Frain Bry

Lamictal sucks.
Doc Psych wanted me up to 200mg per day. It wasn't going to happen. I tapered off because my legs swelled up like balloons, my stomach was bloated, I felt like a lab rat with a chemical-like feeling zapping my brain, but more importantly my blood pressure went through the roof, I was having horrible heart palpitations, and I started having hyperexplexia (hyperactive startle response). I would jump at the slightest noise, get pissed off, and could never relax. Getting off of the clozapam (sp?) took away the major rage. Now I'm depressed.

I am sad to say that my headaches are now back, but my heart no longer feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. My doctor is no longer saying I am bipolar. She says, "dysthimia".

I was in a much much better mood on the Lamictal. I find myself consistently depressed although I am on 30mg of Prozac a day. I have also found I am drinking beer more often.

I'm too tire to write in a literate fashion.

Straight up...here's how this lil' white girl feels:

Depressed.
I miss my ex-husband.
I wonder if I will ever find anyone to love me again.
I have gained about 70lbs in the last 2 years.
I feel fat.
I hate being fat. I get my worth from my weight apparently and I feel worthless quite often.
My house is a total pig pen.Feeling hopeless.
Flooded fucked up basement filled with my mom's bullshit flooded ass clothes I've been washing for weeks.
HEADACHE...ALWAYS.

Depressed.

Basement flooded
My mother asked me today if me and my best friend were "dating". My friend is a girl. Apparently it is not normal for a 24yo and 36yo to be best friends. We met in nursing school. I'm also friends with another girl that is 22. Therefor, I am a lesbian??? THAT IS FUCKED UP. It's bad enough for my own mother to basically ask me if I'm a lesbian. But...but...to be thought of as a cougar lesbian too? Fuck fuck fuck...this is fucked up. I was already feeling old and then my mom has to go and ask me that. FUCKING FUCKED UP BULLSHIT. I am so hurt.



Fuck this shit. I'm going to go play Fallout 3.

Who Me? Bipolar?

As the words of my newly acquired "Shrink" fill my head, I open a liquid creamer at Braums and mistakingly pour it into my ice water. "OH SHIT!" I'm totally losing my F-ing mind. I can feel the acid from my stomach coming up in my throat and my anxiety level is that of a mouse hiding under a fridge waiting for the cat to leave the room. I reach for an antacid, swallow it down with some of the disgusting now creamed filled ice water only to realize the damn thing was a pseudophed. Yep, I'd lost it-in one half hour session with Doc Psych, I'd lost the little bit of sanity, dignity, and hope for being "normal" that I had left. The words she spoke are still haunting me, "I've written your diagnosis as Dysthymia for now, but I'm almost certain you are Bipolar".

Who Me? Bipolar? What the hell is this woman thinking? (I break down in tears) She continues, "I am putting you on 25mg of Lamictal and I want you to continue taking the Clonazapam for anxiety and the Valium for your headaches. If everything works out as I plan, I don't think you'll need anything other than the Lamictal after a month. Be sure to make another appointement before you leave". I respond back (still in tears), "okay". She says, "See you later toots" and I leave her office in shock. "Toots", that's funny. I use that same word myself in talking to my friends.

I am Bipolar? Just F-ing wonderful. You know...my BROTHER is Bipolar, NOT me. He is as I like to put it "Papered Crazy". But me??? Oh Hell no. I'm just depressed. I've learned to cope with that. Now this? I can't be Bipolar. I have things to do. I am a nursing student in my third semester. I am learning to FINALLY be successful and this has to happen? If only this incessant hostility hadn't started happening.

Anger, that is how I wound up in the Doc Shrink's office today. Lately I have felt angry all the time. There seems to be no apparant reason for the anger either. I'm just a pissed off human being. "Sure Mr. A-Hole in the Hummer...Ride My A$$ some more you B**** . I'll slam on my f-ing breaks and you'll total the entire front of your piece o' shit car." Of course, I wouldn't do that because I'm too concerned with hurting others, but I sure feel like doing it. It's almost like I'm subconsciously looking for opportunities to lash out at people. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm extremely depressed. To top it all off, I have things that need doing. I have papers that need to be written and Psych Clinicals tomorrow. Lovely...just lovely.

Well, I took my "happy pill" (the Lamictal-a mood stabalizer). It has made me feel tired and groggy (or maybe that's just the adrenaline from my miserable day wearing off). Guess that's all I can do for now. As I lay here consumed with my worries about mood stabalizers and being diseased with a "disorder," I also wonder, "How many other nursing students get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during their Psychiatric Mental Health clinical health rotations?" Only time will tell if this will be "THE" diagnosis. Am I Bipolar? There is such a stigma attached to that disorder. Doc. Psych says to take the pills and give it a month. *****Pill # 1 down the hatch.****