Mania...
Yesterday I woke up after only having about 1-2hrs of sleep total. I was trying to sleep, but my mind didn't feel sleepy. I was totally physically exhausted from shopping, cleaning, studying, and a million other things, but my mind's eye was WIDE OPEN. I kept waking up, tossing, turning, & waking up again. I had the alarm set for 10:30, but I woke up at 9 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had even taken 2-5mg valiums to ensure that I'd be able to sleep, but noooooo.
Still talking about yesterday...I ran on treadmill for 40 minutes first thing in the morning then cooked myself some eggs. A friend from school came over & we studied for one of the psych nursing exams. I cooked us a healthy lunch of basil chicken, green beans fried in a little olive oil, & zucchini/tomato stuff. Icksna onya etha zucchini/tomato.
As for rage, it was gone yesterday. It was however replaced by a lovely feeling of underlying panic. *lovely being sarcasm* During my Psych nursing exam I was having panic attacks, but I got through it. I made one silly mistake due to the panic, but other than that...I'm pretty sure I made at least an 90 on the test but won't know until later today. Anyway, yesterday after the test we all went to Henry Hudson's for drinks and food. I drank about 4 beers & at a ton of chips & queso...yum. After the first beer, I started having this feeling in my chest like at the bottom of my throat. It was like something was blocking my throat..a tight feeling like something was stuck, but it wasn't. I realized it was a panic attack (AGAIN) even though this one didn't present w/ the usual symptoms. I didn't want to take a valium because I'd barely slept the night before. Instead (genius idea) I drank 3 more beers...the second one very very fast. We stayed there until I felt comfortable driving. The panic attack subsided after the 3rd beer, but I still felt anxious.
That's brings me to today. I slept just fine last night. I took 1-5mg valium right before bed & slept through the night perfectly until my kiddo woke me up while getting ready for school. I then went back to sleep and slept until around 11am. Crazy...I'm completely exhausted today. I'm depressed, fatigued, and basically miserable. I liked it better when I was manic. At least I could get stuff done. Now I'm like a jello blob on the couch sucking life out of the air. Uggg...I took my "happy pill" (lamictal). It gives me headaches. I wonder if it's the Lamictal that is sucking the mania outta' me? I don't want to lose all the mania...I'm afraid that will only leave me with "BLAH BLAH BLAH". Hopefully it is just the beer, valium, and exhaustion from studying that is making me so exhausted today.
I've got to stay awake all day or I won't sleep tonight. Bad thing...I have to be up at 5am for another Psych Clinical rotation. I find it rather ironic that I am dealing w/ my own psych health and learning to treat others. But, God works in mysterious ways. Speaking of God, I feel guilty for drinking last night. I think I've been drinking too much lately. I drank on Sun. & Tues. That's excessive. I'm going to have to keep a close watch on that in order to not overdo it. Oh yeah, as for mania...I just realized something....I still have it...otherwise I would've have changed subjects so much and written all that I have. I'm sure if someone else was here, I would've been talking their ears off. Great! Maybe I still have a bit of the mania left. I love it! I don't love hostility, but I absolutely ADORE a little mania (in comparison to the depression I've been through). I LOVE MANIA!!!
I woke up the other day, looked in the mirror and thought, "Who's this fat bitch & why did she eat me?" (LOL) I'm going to go get on the treadmill right after I drink this coffee. I think I feel the Lamictal kicking in. I'm getting a weird surge feeling (like I'm getting some energy) & a slight headache. Later
Still talking about yesterday...I ran on treadmill for 40 minutes first thing in the morning then cooked myself some eggs. A friend from school came over & we studied for one of the psych nursing exams. I cooked us a healthy lunch of basil chicken, green beans fried in a little olive oil, & zucchini/tomato stuff. Icksna onya etha zucchini/tomato.
As for rage, it was gone yesterday. It was however replaced by a lovely feeling of underlying panic. *lovely being sarcasm* During my Psych nursing exam I was having panic attacks, but I got through it. I made one silly mistake due to the panic, but other than that...I'm pretty sure I made at least an 90 on the test but won't know until later today. Anyway, yesterday after the test we all went to Henry Hudson's for drinks and food. I drank about 4 beers & at a ton of chips & queso...yum. After the first beer, I started having this feeling in my chest like at the bottom of my throat. It was like something was blocking my throat..a tight feeling like something was stuck, but it wasn't. I realized it was a panic attack (AGAIN) even though this one didn't present w/ the usual symptoms. I didn't want to take a valium because I'd barely slept the night before. Instead (genius idea) I drank 3 more beers...the second one very very fast. We stayed there until I felt comfortable driving. The panic attack subsided after the 3rd beer, but I still felt anxious.
That's brings me to today. I slept just fine last night. I took 1-5mg valium right before bed & slept through the night perfectly until my kiddo woke me up while getting ready for school. I then went back to sleep and slept until around 11am. Crazy...I'm completely exhausted today. I'm depressed, fatigued, and basically miserable. I liked it better when I was manic. At least I could get stuff done. Now I'm like a jello blob on the couch sucking life out of the air. Uggg...I took my "happy pill" (lamictal). It gives me headaches. I wonder if it's the Lamictal that is sucking the mania outta' me? I don't want to lose all the mania...I'm afraid that will only leave me with "BLAH BLAH BLAH". Hopefully it is just the beer, valium, and exhaustion from studying that is making me so exhausted today.
I've got to stay awake all day or I won't sleep tonight. Bad thing...I have to be up at 5am for another Psych Clinical rotation. I find it rather ironic that I am dealing w/ my own psych health and learning to treat others. But, God works in mysterious ways. Speaking of God, I feel guilty for drinking last night. I think I've been drinking too much lately. I drank on Sun. & Tues. That's excessive. I'm going to have to keep a close watch on that in order to not overdo it. Oh yeah, as for mania...I just realized something....I still have it...otherwise I would've have changed subjects so much and written all that I have. I'm sure if someone else was here, I would've been talking their ears off. Great! Maybe I still have a bit of the mania left. I love it! I don't love hostility, but I absolutely ADORE a little mania (in comparison to the depression I've been through). I LOVE MANIA!!!
I woke up the other day, looked in the mirror and thought, "Who's this fat bitch & why did she eat me?" (LOL) I'm going to go get on the treadmill right after I drink this coffee. I think I feel the Lamictal kicking in. I'm getting a weird surge feeling (like I'm getting some energy) & a slight headache. Later
posted by Lillian at 9:39 AM
1 Comments:
oh yeah...it's back!!! No hostility except for the fact that some asshat gave me a ticket for parking in my yard. In my defense, I would like to say that I parked in my yard because there is a garage apt. behind my house. The effeciency apt. behind my house is being worked on right now & there WAS NO DAMN PLACE TO PARK other than the street to which I WON'T park in because people steal my gas. Grrrr...okay, better now. The ticket was only 70 F_ING DOLLARS...YOU PIECE O" SHIT MOTHER)_FERS. Okay, now I'm all pissy again. I have to just block that out of my mind.
Other than that, today is going great! I had to stop and make myself eat because I'm so amped. I like that though because I have to lose weight. I weigh 191 and since starting lamictal I have lost 8lbs. I don't know if it's the lamictal or just that I'm manic. Either way...I FRIGGEN LOVE IT! I've also been exercising daily on the treadmill and have been eating better for the last 3 days.
I guess the point on that would be that since I've gotten manic, I've had more energy...I CAN exercise, I have the energy to cook healthier foods, and I am not sittin on the damn couch all day like a friggen sloth. I LOVE MANIA! Bring it on (but no more than this please-I don't want to be jailed for trying to climb the side of buildings or anything).
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