One Freakout Away...
Remarkably, I woke up this morning to the alarm despite taking a 25mg Lamictal, a half a valium, and a blue Klonopin prior to bedtime. I fell asleep fairly easy at around 2am and woke at 7am to get ready for clinical. After picking up a friend, getting breakfast from Mickey D's, and washing down another Lamictal with some hot coffee, I drove anxiously to my clinical destination. I've been anxious all day. I wanted to bitch the lady out that served me my food in the drive through at Mickey D's because she was rude and didn't even tell me thank you, but I contained my frustration, drove off, and cussed her out in my mind. : ) That felt much healthier.
At clinical I felt anxious the entire time. I felt as though I was constantly having to pay attention with major detail to my actions, motives, speech, and behavior. I worried throughout the day that I might say or do something wrong something wrong that would make my clinical group get bad feedback from the hospital. I looked put together, but inside I was in turmoil.
The first unit I was able to attend was a adolescent unit. The Nursing Director excorted me and my two friends to a boys area in the adolescent unit. They were just beginning group therapy. I felt my stomach turn the moment the therapist announced the topic of the day among the boys, "Anxiety and Panic". Lovely...just lovely. I was already feeling anxious and with my history, the word "panic" alone kicks my panic in gear. Let's just say this...the more they spoke of panic attacks and anxiety, the more the panic affected me. It was one of my typical panic attacks marked by high anxiety, the feeling that I couldn't catch my breath, rapic heart rate, and internalized worry. I practiced deep breathing, prayed, and tried to focus on the therapy group. RIDICULOUS...there I was in a psych hospital in a group of teens to observe and learn new ways to assist them, and I was having a full blown panic attack. Thank God I had experienced them prior to this day or they might've admitted me. Group therapy was a success. I hid my anxiety well, the therapist genuinely thanked us for our attendence, and I gained as sense of relief hearing others talk of their own anxiety and panic-strange how that worked out.
A trip to the Adult Psych ward was again an eye opener. I met w/ a lovely patient who tried to commit suicide by using mood stabalizers. Thank goodness it wasn't a success. This pt. described behaviors very similar to mine: Feelings of rage, feelings of emptiness, and violence. I've never hit or hurt someone physically, but I'll admit...I am the queen of throwing Big Gulps. For those of you who may not know, Big Gulps are 32oz of your favorite beverage picked up at a local convenience store. Funny thing...this pt. I was speaking with described throwing many a 32oz beverage and an incidence of having to clean the beverage off the walls, floors, ceilings, and a painting. I thought for a moment as she told me the story that she must've spied into my window on one particular day that I experienced the same even. Hmmm...maybe there is some validity to this whole "Bipolar" thing.
I've decided do to the persistant panic attacks that I will call Doc Psych tomorrow and ask if it will be alright to discontinue the Klonopin and delay the Lamictal for a week until the Klonopin gets out of my system. I'm going to research hostility and Klonopin. I'm thinking it may be what is causing my persistant panic attacks. When she first said she was going to give me the med, I remembered having bad experiences with it previously but though, "What the heck...maybe I will respond differently now". No such luck. I'm almost certain my heightened hostility & persistant panic are med related. We'll see. Tonight I am only going to take the valium.
All in all, today I learned that we're ALL just one episode, heartache, step, behavior, and/or FREAKOUT away from a trip to the Mental Hospital.
Strange...an episode of "Past Life" is on and it has to do w/ psych stuff...panic attacks and regression-interesting.
Hugs, Kisses, & all that cuddly stuff,
Lillian
At clinical I felt anxious the entire time. I felt as though I was constantly having to pay attention with major detail to my actions, motives, speech, and behavior. I worried throughout the day that I might say or do something wrong something wrong that would make my clinical group get bad feedback from the hospital. I looked put together, but inside I was in turmoil.
The first unit I was able to attend was a adolescent unit. The Nursing Director excorted me and my two friends to a boys area in the adolescent unit. They were just beginning group therapy. I felt my stomach turn the moment the therapist announced the topic of the day among the boys, "Anxiety and Panic". Lovely...just lovely. I was already feeling anxious and with my history, the word "panic" alone kicks my panic in gear. Let's just say this...the more they spoke of panic attacks and anxiety, the more the panic affected me. It was one of my typical panic attacks marked by high anxiety, the feeling that I couldn't catch my breath, rapic heart rate, and internalized worry. I practiced deep breathing, prayed, and tried to focus on the therapy group. RIDICULOUS...there I was in a psych hospital in a group of teens to observe and learn new ways to assist them, and I was having a full blown panic attack. Thank God I had experienced them prior to this day or they might've admitted me. Group therapy was a success. I hid my anxiety well, the therapist genuinely thanked us for our attendence, and I gained as sense of relief hearing others talk of their own anxiety and panic-strange how that worked out.
A trip to the Adult Psych ward was again an eye opener. I met w/ a lovely patient who tried to commit suicide by using mood stabalizers. Thank goodness it wasn't a success. This pt. described behaviors very similar to mine: Feelings of rage, feelings of emptiness, and violence. I've never hit or hurt someone physically, but I'll admit...I am the queen of throwing Big Gulps. For those of you who may not know, Big Gulps are 32oz of your favorite beverage picked up at a local convenience store. Funny thing...this pt. I was speaking with described throwing many a 32oz beverage and an incidence of having to clean the beverage off the walls, floors, ceilings, and a painting. I thought for a moment as she told me the story that she must've spied into my window on one particular day that I experienced the same even. Hmmm...maybe there is some validity to this whole "Bipolar" thing.
I've decided do to the persistant panic attacks that I will call Doc Psych tomorrow and ask if it will be alright to discontinue the Klonopin and delay the Lamictal for a week until the Klonopin gets out of my system. I'm going to research hostility and Klonopin. I'm thinking it may be what is causing my persistant panic attacks. When she first said she was going to give me the med, I remembered having bad experiences with it previously but though, "What the heck...maybe I will respond differently now". No such luck. I'm almost certain my heightened hostility & persistant panic are med related. We'll see. Tonight I am only going to take the valium.
All in all, today I learned that we're ALL just one episode, heartache, step, behavior, and/or FREAKOUT away from a trip to the Mental Hospital.
Strange...an episode of "Past Life" is on and it has to do w/ psych stuff...panic attacks and regression-interesting.
Hugs, Kisses, & all that cuddly stuff,
Lillian
posted by Lillian at 5:11 PM
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