I AM A F-ING MONSTER...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh....I am so full of fucking rage. It is official. I cannot take this mother fucking KlonoFUCKIJNG I can't spe,.ll that fuck,king word....Klonopin...I can't takie this shit anyfuck,ing moree aswfophjaasdl; anymore. I AM FUCKING HOSTILE. The phone rings and I want to rip the piece of fuckiing shit off the mothe3r fucking wall. This is NOT FUCKING LIKE ME....I don't cuss like this. I am a sweeet person. I am loving and caring and cheerful even trhrough the midst of my deep depression....I don't break down like this............I don't use the word fuck and all I want to do it say it...and GD and break shit....I am moody, tearful, and FUCK


&&&&&&&&&&&Okay, I took a little break, 1/2 a 5mg valium, drank some RC, and did a little research. ***DAMN, MY HEAD HURTS*** It appears I should have most of the clonazepam out of my system within 30 days. I'm thinking it should be out in a couople of days and that I will feel better. I am prepared to take more valium in an effort to keep from having seizures (though I doubt I took enough of the clonazepam to cause seizures from withdrawal). I will call my doctor tomorrow though. (that would be the smart thing to do.)

I looked at the date on my bottle of clonazepam 1mg. The order was for 1-1mg tab twice daily. I filled it 11/04/09 and I still have 10 of them left. There were 60 in the bottle and I've only taken them regularly for the past 2 wks. I asked several of my friends and family members when they felt I started to change in behavior & they said it's been about two weeks. Coincidence???

Here's a little past history for ya. I've been having panic attacks for the past 11yrs or so off and on. In 2003 (or there abouts), I was having panic attacks daily. I was put on Zoloft which I later realized was making my panic attacks worse. Around 7 yrs ago, I had a doctor prescribe me Valium and Soma. Valium for the panic attacks & anxiety, and Soma for the jaw, head, and neck pain/tension. That combination was working fine, but the doctor thought it best to cut out the soma and add more valium so I would be taking fewer meds. This combo has been working alright for the past 7 friggen years. Yes, I still have what I consider to be tension headaches & I still suffer from depressed moods constantly, but I wasn't hostile like this....moody, but not hostile. Now this new doc decided to wean me off the valium (IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF NURSING SCHOOL) and add szome other fucking medsxzl...............)Ahhhhhhhhhhh...why FUCKL WITH SOMETHING THAT ISW WORKING. i AM NOT ABUSING THE MOTHER FUC,ING PILLS. I DON'T CALL AND ASKE FOR MOR E3PILLS,. I HAVE NEVER FJUCKIN G "LOST" MKY FUCK,ING PILLS,. OR NEEDED MORE THAN THE FUCKING AM9OUNT PRESCRIBED. ACTUALLY,. I USUALLY ALWAYS HAVE LEFT OVERS. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKI YOU FUCK YOU YOU SORRY PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCKING DRUG ABUSERS THAT HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE FUCKING DOCTUORS TO BE SZO FU7CKING SCARED TO GIVE PEOPLE THE FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING MEEDS THAT WO2RK FOR THEM. i DON'T FUCXKING NEED THIS SHIT.....NOT FUCKING NOWL. i WAS DOIJGN JUST FUXK,IJNG FINE SWITH MY MEDS....*i WAS DOING GOOD IN M,Y CLASSES....i AM FUCXK,ING USED TLO THIA MOTHER FUCXKING DEPRESSIONG AND CN DEQL WITH IT UNTIL i HAVE MY FUCXK9ING RN. why FUCK, WITH ME nowww????? NO right nj9ow I have not fuckikking sympathy for you piece of shit mother fucking crack head pill popping mother fuckers. YOU RUIN IT FOR ALLL THE FUCKING PEOOPLE THAT needx the3 fucking meds and use them therapeutically. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...WHAZT THE FUCK EVER.

Who Me? Bipolar?

As the words of my newly acquired "Shrink" fill my head, I open a liquid creamer at Braums and mistakingly pour it into my ice water. "OH SHIT!" I'm totally losing my F-ing mind. I can feel the acid from my stomach coming up in my throat and my anxiety level is that of a mouse hiding under a fridge waiting for the cat to leave the room. I reach for an antacid, swallow it down with some of the disgusting now creamed filled ice water only to realize the damn thing was a pseudophed. Yep, I'd lost it-in one half hour session with Doc Psych, I'd lost the little bit of sanity, dignity, and hope for being "normal" that I had left. The words she spoke are still haunting me, "I've written your diagnosis as Dysthymia for now, but I'm almost certain you are Bipolar".

Who Me? Bipolar? What the hell is this woman thinking? (I break down in tears) She continues, "I am putting you on 25mg of Lamictal and I want you to continue taking the Clonazapam for anxiety and the Valium for your headaches. If everything works out as I plan, I don't think you'll need anything other than the Lamictal after a month. Be sure to make another appointement before you leave". I respond back (still in tears), "okay". She says, "See you later toots" and I leave her office in shock. "Toots", that's funny. I use that same word myself in talking to my friends.

I am Bipolar? Just F-ing wonderful. You know...my BROTHER is Bipolar, NOT me. He is as I like to put it "Papered Crazy". But me??? Oh Hell no. I'm just depressed. I've learned to cope with that. Now this? I can't be Bipolar. I have things to do. I am a nursing student in my third semester. I am learning to FINALLY be successful and this has to happen? If only this incessant hostility hadn't started happening.

Anger, that is how I wound up in the Doc Shrink's office today. Lately I have felt angry all the time. There seems to be no apparant reason for the anger either. I'm just a pissed off human being. "Sure Mr. A-Hole in the Hummer...Ride My A$$ some more you B**** . I'll slam on my f-ing breaks and you'll total the entire front of your piece o' shit car." Of course, I wouldn't do that because I'm too concerned with hurting others, but I sure feel like doing it. It's almost like I'm subconsciously looking for opportunities to lash out at people. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm extremely depressed. To top it all off, I have things that need doing. I have papers that need to be written and Psych Clinicals tomorrow. Lovely...just lovely.

Well, I took my "happy pill" (the Lamictal-a mood stabalizer). It has made me feel tired and groggy (or maybe that's just the adrenaline from my miserable day wearing off). Guess that's all I can do for now. As I lay here consumed with my worries about mood stabalizers and being diseased with a "disorder," I also wonder, "How many other nursing students get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during their Psychiatric Mental Health clinical health rotations?" Only time will tell if this will be "THE" diagnosis. Am I Bipolar? There is such a stigma attached to that disorder. Doc. Psych says to take the pills and give it a month. *****Pill # 1 down the hatch.****