Frain Bry

Lamictal sucks.
Doc Psych wanted me up to 200mg per day. It wasn't going to happen. I tapered off because my legs swelled up like balloons, my stomach was bloated, I felt like a lab rat with a chemical-like feeling zapping my brain, but more importantly my blood pressure went through the roof, I was having horrible heart palpitations, and I started having hyperexplexia (hyperactive startle response). I would jump at the slightest noise, get pissed off, and could never relax. Getting off of the clozapam (sp?) took away the major rage. Now I'm depressed.

I am sad to say that my headaches are now back, but my heart no longer feels like it's going to burst out of my chest. My doctor is no longer saying I am bipolar. She says, "dysthimia".

I was in a much much better mood on the Lamictal. I find myself consistently depressed although I am on 30mg of Prozac a day. I have also found I am drinking beer more often.

I'm too tire to write in a literate fashion.

Straight up...here's how this lil' white girl feels:

Depressed.
I miss my ex-husband.
I wonder if I will ever find anyone to love me again.
I have gained about 70lbs in the last 2 years.
I feel fat.
I hate being fat. I get my worth from my weight apparently and I feel worthless quite often.
My house is a total pig pen.Feeling hopeless.
Flooded fucked up basement filled with my mom's bullshit flooded ass clothes I've been washing for weeks.
HEADACHE...ALWAYS.

Depressed.

Basement flooded
My mother asked me today if me and my best friend were "dating". My friend is a girl. Apparently it is not normal for a 24yo and 36yo to be best friends. We met in nursing school. I'm also friends with another girl that is 22. Therefor, I am a lesbian??? THAT IS FUCKED UP. It's bad enough for my own mother to basically ask me if I'm a lesbian. But...but...to be thought of as a cougar lesbian too? Fuck fuck fuck...this is fucked up. I was already feeling old and then my mom has to go and ask me that. FUCKING FUCKED UP BULLSHIT. I am so hurt.



Fuck this shit. I'm going to go play Fallout 3.

Emergency Room...

Well, I just got back from the E.R. Yesterday I started having the weird feeling in my chest that I thought was just symptom of my panic attacks, but noooo. Today It got so bad that I pulled out my stethoscope & listened to my heart. It was doing weird things...like I could feel it & it felt like it was not beating right. I went to the E.R. and they diagnosed me with heart palpitations. My blood pressure was also 130/88 which is very very high for me.

I'm positive it is the Lamictal that is doing this which is so upsetting because I was finally getting some energy to do things. I read a bunch of sites that had info from people that were also on Lamictal. They have some major horror stories. Maybe I can just keep my dose lower longer and my body will adjust??? I don't want to lose this energy. I', mfinally able to live a little. This is so upsetting. : (

Going to bed. I have to be up at 5am to get ready for an all day clinical at a Children's Hospital.

*double sad face*

Mania...

Yesterday I woke up after only having about 1-2hrs of sleep total. I was trying to sleep, but my mind didn't feel sleepy. I was totally physically exhausted from shopping, cleaning, studying, and a million other things, but my mind's eye was WIDE OPEN. I kept waking up, tossing, turning, & waking up again. I had the alarm set for 10:30, but I woke up at 9 and couldn't go back to sleep. I had even taken 2-5mg valiums to ensure that I'd be able to sleep, but noooooo.

Still talking about yesterday...I ran on treadmill for 40 minutes first thing in the morning then cooked myself some eggs. A friend from school came over & we studied for one of the psych nursing exams. I cooked us a healthy lunch of basil chicken, green beans fried in a little olive oil, & zucchini/tomato stuff. Icksna onya etha zucchini/tomato.

As for rage, it was gone yesterday. It was however replaced by a lovely feeling of underlying panic. *lovely being sarcasm* During my Psych nursing exam I was having panic attacks, but I got through it. I made one silly mistake due to the panic, but other than that...I'm pretty sure I made at least an 90 on the test but won't know until later today. Anyway, yesterday after the test we all went to Henry Hudson's for drinks and food. I drank about 4 beers & at a ton of chips & queso...yum. After the first beer, I started having this feeling in my chest like at the bottom of my throat. It was like something was blocking my throat..a tight feeling like something was stuck, but it wasn't. I realized it was a panic attack (AGAIN) even though this one didn't present w/ the usual symptoms. I didn't want to take a valium because I'd barely slept the night before. Instead (genius idea) I drank 3 more beers...the second one very very fast. We stayed there until I felt comfortable driving. The panic attack subsided after the 3rd beer, but I still felt anxious.

That's brings me to today. I slept just fine last night. I took 1-5mg valium right before bed & slept through the night perfectly until my kiddo woke me up while getting ready for school. I then went back to sleep and slept until around 11am. Crazy...I'm completely exhausted today. I'm depressed, fatigued, and basically miserable. I liked it better when I was manic. At least I could get stuff done. Now I'm like a jello blob on the couch sucking life out of the air. Uggg...I took my "happy pill" (lamictal). It gives me headaches. I wonder if it's the Lamictal that is sucking the mania outta' me? I don't want to lose all the mania...I'm afraid that will only leave me with "BLAH BLAH BLAH". Hopefully it is just the beer, valium, and exhaustion from studying that is making me so exhausted today.

I've got to stay awake all day or I won't sleep tonight. Bad thing...I have to be up at 5am for another Psych Clinical rotation. I find it rather ironic that I am dealing w/ my own psych health and learning to treat others. But, God works in mysterious ways. Speaking of God, I feel guilty for drinking last night. I think I've been drinking too much lately. I drank on Sun. & Tues. That's excessive. I'm going to have to keep a close watch on that in order to not overdo it. Oh yeah, as for mania...I just realized something....I still have it...otherwise I would've have changed subjects so much and written all that I have. I'm sure if someone else was here, I would've been talking their ears off. Great! Maybe I still have a bit of the mania left. I love it! I don't love hostility, but I absolutely ADORE a little mania (in comparison to the depression I've been through). I LOVE MANIA!!!

I woke up the other day, looked in the mirror and thought, "Who's this fat bitch & why did she eat me?" (LOL) I'm going to go get on the treadmill right after I drink this coffee. I think I feel the Lamictal kicking in. I'm getting a weird surge feeling (like I'm getting some energy) & a slight headache. Later

Disturbed...

At least something good has come of my rage-cool music I've found!

Still feeling rage...it's lying in the midst waiting to show its ugly face. : (

My livingroom is a moshpit for one. If my emotions were a song, the words "F-ing Hostile" and the music would be playing in the background. Minus all he other lyrics...it's the "F-ing Hostile" that is playing in my mind.

Even better....

Last Night Was a Bitch...

I'm sitting here in a misty fog. My head feels like a someone has scooped out the grey matter on the sides and replaced it with ice-aka: It hurts. I just woke up around 20 minutes ago though and have yet to drink my coffee. I washed down my 25mg Lamictal w/ some RC and jumped right online for my update.

Last night was a bitch. My brother came over and brought pizza. I played some Halo 3 then we watched a little bit of some new Western that came out...something like "Shoot now: Pray Later". I ate way too much pizza (practically an entire pizza from CiCi's) and had some of their cinammon rolls. Mmm...I then felt sick to my stomach. Energy...I had so much energy yesterday. It was like someone squished that superhero Flash & injected his essence into my veins. Zooooooooooomin' all damn day (in my head anyway). Physically, I'm still too depressed to do much of anything (o60r rather, too depressed to want to do much of anything). Back on target-All was well until the phone rang.

My phone line is all crackly and I can't hear very well what people are saying on the other side. I can't have someone fix the line because my mother still has all her crap in that room from when she moved out in September. Basically, I'm paying 40bucks a month for a phone that doesn't work and it pisses me off, and it pisses me off just to hear it ring. I want to be left alone. Sooooo when the phone rang, I got pissed off. When I found out who it was, I got pissed off even more because she knows I don't want to talk on the damn phone, and then to hear it still all crackly...that threw me into a rage. I started screaming about my mom not cleaning up her shit, screaming about this, screaming about that...went into the kitchen (where all the cabinets are filled with my mom and brother's stuff left from the move) and started sweeping the things out of them with a swoosh of my hand. Pots of dirt, birdseed, potting soil, a cup here and there, a pan or two, an iron...all of it whooshed onto the floor. Yeah, I was raging. And ya know what...the shit is still in there on that mother f-ing floor. (feeling the rage build up again) The good thing is that I didn't hurt anyone. I don't ever hurt anyone. I don't ever want to hurt anyone. Throwing cups of liquids such as 32oz drinks, clearing cabinets w/ a swoosh, screaming like a banshee..that's all more my style. : )

To calm down from my rage (which physically felt like Hulk Juice infused into my soul) I sat down and killed aliens on Halo 3! That there was good coping. Speaking of coping, I still have not been able to study for my upcoming Psych test. The test is on Tuesday and I can't focus. I feel all this energy, but have can't use it to clean or study or anything because...well, I lack total interest. I am too amped. I am amped and wore out in the same. It's so strange. I could seriously lay down and go right back to sleep. Instead, I'm going to try to focus. I'll get online and study off of the powerpoints. Maybe that will engage my mind more.
Later

A Hint of "Me" Coming Back!

Day 3 of Lamictal. I didn't take the Colozapam last night so that I can see if that's what is causing me to rage like Lou Farigno in "The Hulk". To my delight, I don't feel like a giant green monster today! I did sleep rather late though for going to bed so early. I slept from around 12 midnight to 1030am. I'm now the "Sleepy Monster". I feel so tired. I got up, took the Lamictal, ate a half a jar of chips & salsa and a grapefruit, made coffee, AND here I am...wallah!

I feel some deep depression. My clinical buddies in school would ask, "Are you a threat to yourself and others?" I would say, "I'm only a threat to a box o' twinkies". Food...it makes me feel better for a little while. It is especially helpful in getting rid of the tension headaches. I can eat & feel better for a whopping hour-headache free! If only it could last longer than that.

I have a table full of nursing books taunting me, "Read me...you have a test on Tuesday". (No, I'm not hearing voices-that doesn't happen to me). I am so tired though. I feel so dragged down. The Hulk was probably pretty dang tired after raging for a day as well. That must be where it comes from-yesterday's rage. (Disclaimer-nothing was harmed in the rage. Then again, nobody was saved from catastrophe either like in the Hulk shows). Rage=worthless.
I am now going to go take some liquid B vitamin, a multivitamin, and a borage/fish/flaxseed oil pill. I need to find some energy or this pillow will meet my head quickly.
Hugs, Kisses, and all that cuddly stuff,
Lillian

I AM A F-ING MONSTER...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh....I am so full of fucking rage. It is official. I cannot take this mother fucking KlonoFUCKIJNG I can't spe,.ll that fuck,king word....Klonopin...I can't takie this shit anyfuck,ing moree aswfophjaasdl; anymore. I AM FUCKING HOSTILE. The phone rings and I want to rip the piece of fuckiing shit off the mothe3r fucking wall. This is NOT FUCKING LIKE ME....I don't cuss like this. I am a sweeet person. I am loving and caring and cheerful even trhrough the midst of my deep depression....I don't break down like this............I don't use the word fuck and all I want to do it say it...and GD and break shit....I am moody, tearful, and FUCK


&&&&&&&&&&&Okay, I took a little break, 1/2 a 5mg valium, drank some RC, and did a little research. ***DAMN, MY HEAD HURTS*** It appears I should have most of the clonazepam out of my system within 30 days. I'm thinking it should be out in a couople of days and that I will feel better. I am prepared to take more valium in an effort to keep from having seizures (though I doubt I took enough of the clonazepam to cause seizures from withdrawal). I will call my doctor tomorrow though. (that would be the smart thing to do.)

I looked at the date on my bottle of clonazepam 1mg. The order was for 1-1mg tab twice daily. I filled it 11/04/09 and I still have 10 of them left. There were 60 in the bottle and I've only taken them regularly for the past 2 wks. I asked several of my friends and family members when they felt I started to change in behavior & they said it's been about two weeks. Coincidence???

Here's a little past history for ya. I've been having panic attacks for the past 11yrs or so off and on. In 2003 (or there abouts), I was having panic attacks daily. I was put on Zoloft which I later realized was making my panic attacks worse. Around 7 yrs ago, I had a doctor prescribe me Valium and Soma. Valium for the panic attacks & anxiety, and Soma for the jaw, head, and neck pain/tension. That combination was working fine, but the doctor thought it best to cut out the soma and add more valium so I would be taking fewer meds. This combo has been working alright for the past 7 friggen years. Yes, I still have what I consider to be tension headaches & I still suffer from depressed moods constantly, but I wasn't hostile like this....moody, but not hostile. Now this new doc decided to wean me off the valium (IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF NURSING SCHOOL) and add szome other fucking medsxzl...............)Ahhhhhhhhhhh...why FUCKL WITH SOMETHING THAT ISW WORKING. i AM NOT ABUSING THE MOTHER FUC,ING PILLS. I DON'T CALL AND ASKE FOR MOR E3PILLS,. I HAVE NEVER FJUCKIN G "LOST" MKY FUCK,ING PILLS,. OR NEEDED MORE THAN THE FUCKING AM9OUNT PRESCRIBED. ACTUALLY,. I USUALLY ALWAYS HAVE LEFT OVERS. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKI YOU FUCK YOU YOU SORRY PIECE OF SHIT MOTHER FUCKING DRUG ABUSERS THAT HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE FUCKING DOCTUORS TO BE SZO FU7CKING SCARED TO GIVE PEOPLE THE FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING MEEDS THAT WO2RK FOR THEM. i DON'T FUCXKING NEED THIS SHIT.....NOT FUCKING NOWL. i WAS DOIJGN JUST FUXK,IJNG FINE SWITH MY MEDS....*i WAS DOING GOOD IN M,Y CLASSES....i AM FUCXK,ING USED TLO THIA MOTHER FUCXKING DEPRESSIONG AND CN DEQL WITH IT UNTIL i HAVE MY FUCXK9ING RN. why FUCK, WITH ME nowww????? NO right nj9ow I have not fuckikking sympathy for you piece of shit mother fucking crack head pill popping mother fuckers. YOU RUIN IT FOR ALLL THE FUCKING PEOOPLE THAT needx the3 fucking meds and use them therapeutically. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...WHAZT THE FUCK EVER.

One Freakout Away...

Remarkably, I woke up this morning to the alarm despite taking a 25mg Lamictal, a half a valium, and a blue Klonopin prior to bedtime. I fell asleep fairly easy at around 2am and woke at 7am to get ready for clinical. After picking up a friend, getting breakfast from Mickey D's, and washing down another Lamictal with some hot coffee, I drove anxiously to my clinical destination. I've been anxious all day. I wanted to bitch the lady out that served me my food in the drive through at Mickey D's because she was rude and didn't even tell me thank you, but I contained my frustration, drove off, and cussed her out in my mind. : ) That felt much healthier.

At clinical I felt anxious the entire time. I felt as though I was constantly having to pay attention with major detail to my actions, motives, speech, and behavior. I worried throughout the day that I might say or do something wrong something wrong that would make my clinical group get bad feedback from the hospital. I looked put together, but inside I was in turmoil.

The first unit I was able to attend was a adolescent unit. The Nursing Director excorted me and my two friends to a boys area in the adolescent unit. They were just beginning group therapy. I felt my stomach turn the moment the therapist announced the topic of the day among the boys, "Anxiety and Panic". Lovely...just lovely. I was already feeling anxious and with my history, the word "panic" alone kicks my panic in gear. Let's just say this...the more they spoke of panic attacks and anxiety, the more the panic affected me. It was one of my typical panic attacks marked by high anxiety, the feeling that I couldn't catch my breath, rapic heart rate, and internalized worry. I practiced deep breathing, prayed, and tried to focus on the therapy group. RIDICULOUS...there I was in a psych hospital in a group of teens to observe and learn new ways to assist them, and I was having a full blown panic attack. Thank God I had experienced them prior to this day or they might've admitted me. Group therapy was a success. I hid my anxiety well, the therapist genuinely thanked us for our attendence, and I gained as sense of relief hearing others talk of their own anxiety and panic-strange how that worked out.

A trip to the Adult Psych ward was again an eye opener. I met w/ a lovely patient who tried to commit suicide by using mood stabalizers. Thank goodness it wasn't a success. This pt. described behaviors very similar to mine: Feelings of rage, feelings of emptiness, and violence. I've never hit or hurt someone physically, but I'll admit...I am the queen of throwing Big Gulps. For those of you who may not know, Big Gulps are 32oz of your favorite beverage picked up at a local convenience store. Funny thing...this pt. I was speaking with described throwing many a 32oz beverage and an incidence of having to clean the beverage off the walls, floors, ceilings, and a painting. I thought for a moment as she told me the story that she must've spied into my window on one particular day that I experienced the same even. Hmmm...maybe there is some validity to this whole "Bipolar" thing.

I've decided do to the persistant panic attacks that I will call Doc Psych tomorrow and ask if it will be alright to discontinue the Klonopin and delay the Lamictal for a week until the Klonopin gets out of my system. I'm going to research hostility and Klonopin. I'm thinking it may be what is causing my persistant panic attacks. When she first said she was going to give me the med, I remembered having bad experiences with it previously but though, "What the heck...maybe I will respond differently now". No such luck. I'm almost certain my heightened hostility & persistant panic are med related. We'll see. Tonight I am only going to take the valium.

All in all, today I learned that we're ALL just one episode, heartache, step, behavior, and/or FREAKOUT away from a trip to the Mental Hospital.

Strange...an episode of "Past Life" is on and it has to do w/ psych stuff...panic attacks and regression-interesting.

Hugs, Kisses, & all that cuddly stuff,
Lillian

Who Me? Bipolar?

As the words of my newly acquired "Shrink" fill my head, I open a liquid creamer at Braums and mistakingly pour it into my ice water. "OH SHIT!" I'm totally losing my F-ing mind. I can feel the acid from my stomach coming up in my throat and my anxiety level is that of a mouse hiding under a fridge waiting for the cat to leave the room. I reach for an antacid, swallow it down with some of the disgusting now creamed filled ice water only to realize the damn thing was a pseudophed. Yep, I'd lost it-in one half hour session with Doc Psych, I'd lost the little bit of sanity, dignity, and hope for being "normal" that I had left. The words she spoke are still haunting me, "I've written your diagnosis as Dysthymia for now, but I'm almost certain you are Bipolar".

Who Me? Bipolar? What the hell is this woman thinking? (I break down in tears) She continues, "I am putting you on 25mg of Lamictal and I want you to continue taking the Clonazapam for anxiety and the Valium for your headaches. If everything works out as I plan, I don't think you'll need anything other than the Lamictal after a month. Be sure to make another appointement before you leave". I respond back (still in tears), "okay". She says, "See you later toots" and I leave her office in shock. "Toots", that's funny. I use that same word myself in talking to my friends.

I am Bipolar? Just F-ing wonderful. You know...my BROTHER is Bipolar, NOT me. He is as I like to put it "Papered Crazy". But me??? Oh Hell no. I'm just depressed. I've learned to cope with that. Now this? I can't be Bipolar. I have things to do. I am a nursing student in my third semester. I am learning to FINALLY be successful and this has to happen? If only this incessant hostility hadn't started happening.

Anger, that is how I wound up in the Doc Shrink's office today. Lately I have felt angry all the time. There seems to be no apparant reason for the anger either. I'm just a pissed off human being. "Sure Mr. A-Hole in the Hummer...Ride My A$$ some more you B**** . I'll slam on my f-ing breaks and you'll total the entire front of your piece o' shit car." Of course, I wouldn't do that because I'm too concerned with hurting others, but I sure feel like doing it. It's almost like I'm subconsciously looking for opportunities to lash out at people. I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I'm extremely depressed. To top it all off, I have things that need doing. I have papers that need to be written and Psych Clinicals tomorrow. Lovely...just lovely.

Well, I took my "happy pill" (the Lamictal-a mood stabalizer). It has made me feel tired and groggy (or maybe that's just the adrenaline from my miserable day wearing off). Guess that's all I can do for now. As I lay here consumed with my worries about mood stabalizers and being diseased with a "disorder," I also wonder, "How many other nursing students get diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder during their Psychiatric Mental Health clinical health rotations?" Only time will tell if this will be "THE" diagnosis. Am I Bipolar? There is such a stigma attached to that disorder. Doc. Psych says to take the pills and give it a month. *****Pill # 1 down the hatch.****